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Dry Spells


We all have one occasionally. Nothing in life seems to be happening. For the newly out, trying to establish a social life, this can be especially disconcerting. All sorts of questions can pop into your mind. Am I really not all that desirable? Have I made a big mistake? Will this ever end? Life can seem like one big Mojave desert.

little mojaveWhen I was first coming out, I had the erroneous idea that men would be all over me simply because I was out, or I had had the guts to come out  – or something. Didn’t happen. Relatively little has simply dropped into my lap. I’ve had to put some effort into getting dates, and sometimes it seems like the well runs dry.

So what do you do?

Be Available

This applies to your inner self especially. When things get tough, I tend to shut down and retreat from the world – emotionally if not physically – and nothing much happens – in any area of my life. Being available simply means opening yourself to possibilities, bagging the negative self-talk, and letting things happen. Don’t be too specific. Just be open to whatever.

Be Visible

No one can see you if you hide. Once you’re emotionally available, get out there in public. If you can, go where the boys are. That can be to the bars (I always go with a friend) or to volunteer activities, or to the gay chamber of commerce meeting. Or something else. Simply be visible. Two of the best dating relationships I’ve ever had happened when guys noticed me and made the first move. I was just sitting back reviewing the scene, and – this is important – not expecting, or pining for, anything in particular to happen. Neither turned into the relationship of my dreams, but both were fun and ended on good terms.

If things are still slow, and they might be,

Get Online

It’s a way to make yourself visible. A lot of people don’t like this idea, but I’ve done pretty well with it. It’s really safer, both physically and emotionally, than trying to pick someone up at a bar. At least you know the guys you see online are looking for the same thing you are. It’s a place to start. There are all kinds of sites – both free and paid – and some seem to work better for me than others, but they all work for someone or they wouldn’t be out there. My current favorite is OK Cupid, a free site that matches people as well as any of them do, and avoids the hook-up-only and the no-pants stuff you find on other free sites. And, of course, it’s free. A good thing. I’ve met a number of interesting men online. Again, none turned out to be the man of my dreams, but I’ve had some fun dates and one guy has turned into a good friend.

There’s no magic bullet here, and some dry spells last longer than others, but the fact is that things happen only when you allow them to. So get busy.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. 01/07/2013 10:21 AM

    Hang in there! You’ve got to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince!

    • 01/07/2013 10:25 AM

      Hanging. And OK with that.

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